What IPA taught me about the ladies.

I was recently IMing with a buddy of mine at work…as I often do.

Lamenting my poor memory, which I attribute almost directly to overconsumption of beer.

I typed something to the effect of: “Damn beer! Though I could never stay mad at you.”

And it got me to thinking…Beer is a lot like women:

- Both are expensive and I can easily spend a lot of money on them.
- There are numerous options, but you usually end-up choosing just one.
- Very little in this world is more flummoxing than trying to open a stubborn bottle of beer or approaching a lady for the first time.
- Little is more satisfying than the first sip of beer or realizing you are ‘in.’
- Both can make you look like an ass. And though you swear you’ll never do it again, you know you will.
- Hair of the dog is the best way to get over a hang-over…and the best way to get over an ‘Ex’ is to get a new ‘Current.’

This list could go on for awhile, so I'll end it here, but feel free to add more in the comments section.

Just when I thought beer was one of the few simple pleasures in this chaotic sea of life, I come to realize its beguiling and complex nature.

Which is not to say that beer is as complex or beguiling as a lady (and really, what is?), but there’s more than meets the eye for sure.

Therein lies the beauty of each. And the lesson to be learned.

I am a results-oriented problem-solving kinda guy. So my entire dating life, I’ve been trying to figure women-out, like some sort of puzzle. While I’ve approached beer from a totally different perspective.

I don’t go to the bar to learn the chemical make-up of beer, I go out to drink the stuff.

Instead of looking at women as a puzzle to be solved, I am much better served meeting new folks, enjoying their company and letting their complexities reveal themselves.

*K.I.S.S.- Keep it simple stupid.

So who’da thought? Beer can (no pun intended), teach me about women.

So in the interest of self-betterment, I think I need to crack another cold one…

I’ve got a lot more to learn.



*Shout-out to Mr. Collins, my HS science teacher who taught me the phrase.

My dream girl had bad credit

"Well, I married my dream girl.
(I married my dream girl.)
But she didn't tell me.
Her credit was bad.
So now instead of living in a pleasant suburb.
We're living in the basement at her Mom and Dad's.
No we can't get a loan, for a respectable home.
Just because my girl defaulted on some old credit card.
If we'd gone to freecreditreport.com...
I'd be a happy bachelor with a dog and a yard."

I'm sure most of you (who watch TV) will recognize this little ditty.

It's one of those clever Freecreditreport.com jingles.

It's catchy, but I am not too keen on the sentiment.

True enough, in this age of identity theft, seemingly limitless credit and a "gotta have it" culture, getting up to snuff with regards to one's credit rating/history is important.

But where the ad gurus at freecreditreport.com went wrong, was to tie a credit rating into date-worthiness. Which is not to downplay finances in relationships, many a domestic disputes are rooted in the family's bottom line. But to say I should've pulled her credit before marrying her is just asinine.

I used to work in mortgage where there were guidelines that dictated who was eligible for what loan, and credit score played a very large role in that determination. But it was not the ONLY factor. Just as there are many factors that play into the dating/marrying game.

Now I am single, and I'll admit, I have dismissed a lady based upon one (usually annoying) trait/habit. But I didn't pay someone to dig-up some information on the lady, which is effectively what a credit report does. I put in the leg work of actually spending time with her.

And something tells me that a discussion that starts with: "Honey, what do you think about pulling our credit before we get engaged…" ends very well.

Not only is it lazy to pass the responsibility of learning about your mate to someone/thing else, but it removes the human factor. And that's the fun part of dating.

Maybe the next step after pulling credit on your date is to exchange resumes. While that may sound funny, think about the recent popularity of online dating, services like eHarmony (of which I am a free member, which doesn't get you any dates, for the record) pretty much ask you to fill-out a dating resume and then turns to an algorithm to make love happen.

This "computer love" movement is interesting. As it is, I sit in a coffee shop, laptop open and IM with my friends as opposed to chatting-up the cute girl in the corner.

The fine art or face-to-face human interaction is being traded for a firewalled exchange of texts. With an occasional photo tossed-in to spice things up a bit.

That being said, freecreditreport.com isn't the anti-christ. Anyone who would pull credit on a significant other and allow the score to affect their relationship is. OK, maybe not the anti-christ, but a moron for sure.

Long story short, turn-off the laptop every now and again. Ignore the text messages and just go out into the world and interact.

And now I am going to do just that.

A few insights from an unemployed and single guy.

In case you didn't read the "About Me" section of this blog, I am unemployed and single.

Having been both for quite a while, I've begun to see some correlations between the two.

Specifically, how similar the process of applying for a job and asking a lady out, actually are.

Think about it, when unemployed you spend a good bit of time looking for the perfect job or at least one that's not too bad.

And when single, you spend the majority of the time at the bar (at least that's where I do most of my window-shopping) looking for the one girl who doesn't have sunglasses so big that you'd swear she bought them on a dare or at least a lady who might actually be cool.

This whole job search thing can be quite nerve-wracking. If not for the obvious reason of needing to pay the bills, but for the: I am going to spend the majority of my waking life employed in whatever activity this job turns-out to be. That is a lot of pressure.

The same can be said for looking for a lady. In theory, you date to find the woman you are going to spend the rest of your life with…that too, is a lot of pressure. (I'm not saying there's anything wrong with coming across a couple Miss Right-Nows while on the search.)

But all that aside, back to comparing the tasks of finding a job and finding a lady.

First off, there's the whole gussying-up to better your chances of finding that perfect job or lady.

In the case of the job search, you try to present yourself as best as possible, on paper. You dust-off the resume and use it to talk yourself up a bit. You buy fine paper, with a watermark, even. Just to show that you really care. And much like when you are hitting the town, you roll with a posse. In job search terms this posse is referred to as "References."

In the case of a lady, you do the same thing, but you present yourself in person. You shower just before you go-out, to ensure maximum "So Fresh and so Clean"-liness. You then toss on a nice shirt, one that even buttons-down. You then rally the crew for some back-up and hit the scene.

I'll admit, the approaches are not similar, but both are highly scrutinized. And in both you are trying to set yourself apart from everyone else.

In the case of the job search, the initial application is usually done online, but your resume is poured-over. You aren't guaranteed an interview, and if there are typos or anything wrong with the application you won't even get an interview.

In the case of a lady, the approach is far more difficult, as it is face-to-face. Your application is that button-down shirt, your shellacked hair and your approach. If she doesn't like what she sees, you won't even make it to the interview.

One observation in my recent job search is that group interviews seem to be the norm. As such, you'll have to know your resume inside-out and how it applies to the position you are applying for. You'll also have to be confident enough to speak-up in front of others who are trying to take the job away from you.

The same can be said for asking a lady out. Chances are you aren't the only game in town, if you've noticed her, so has another dude. And once you've bought her a drink (which means you are officially into the interview portion of the night) many poachers will be on the look-out to move-in and take the lady away from you.

Just remember, the interview is your chance to shine. You put-in the leg-work to get to this point, so now it's time to dazzle!

In the case of the job search, you have your resume and know the job description. So tailoring your responses is relatively easy. You simply tie past experiences to the responsibilities listed. You may have to adjust to a couple off-the-wall questions, but layer that with a bit of schmoozing and you should be on to the next interview. Maybe even one that only features you!

Now in the case of a lady, you do have a mental resume (sometimes referred to as 'Game') but no job description. This is where you have to engage in the fine art of conversation. Not only do you have to sell your finer points, but engage the lady to figure-out what she's looking for. You have to adapt on-the-fly and tailor your resume to her requirements. Do that, along with a sprinkling of compliments and you should be on your way to getting a date. Maybe even on that doesn't feature your crew!

What happens next is up to you.

Now I am no expert on getting a job or dating.

But the one thing I have learned is to remember to have fun with each.

An interview is the only time you are expected to talk- or even brag-about yourself. No one is more familiar with the topic than you. And remember that you are the biggest benefactor from the effort.

It's also not that big of a deal. There are plenty of jobs out there and plenty of ladies as well.

If you don't like your job, get another one.

If she doesn't pan-out, just move-on.

Whether looking for a job or a date, it's all about putting your best foot forward and meeting new people.

I've found that as long as you are putting your best foot forward, things tend to work-out for the best.

So keep your head-up and have fun.