What IPA taught me about the ladies.

I was recently IMing with a buddy of mine at work…as I often do.

Lamenting my poor memory, which I attribute almost directly to overconsumption of beer.

I typed something to the effect of: “Damn beer! Though I could never stay mad at you.”

And it got me to thinking…Beer is a lot like women:

- Both are expensive and I can easily spend a lot of money on them.
- There are numerous options, but you usually end-up choosing just one.
- Very little in this world is more flummoxing than trying to open a stubborn bottle of beer or approaching a lady for the first time.
- Little is more satisfying than the first sip of beer or realizing you are ‘in.’
- Both can make you look like an ass. And though you swear you’ll never do it again, you know you will.
- Hair of the dog is the best way to get over a hang-over…and the best way to get over an ‘Ex’ is to get a new ‘Current.’

This list could go on for awhile, so I'll end it here, but feel free to add more in the comments section.

Just when I thought beer was one of the few simple pleasures in this chaotic sea of life, I come to realize its beguiling and complex nature.

Which is not to say that beer is as complex or beguiling as a lady (and really, what is?), but there’s more than meets the eye for sure.

Therein lies the beauty of each. And the lesson to be learned.

I am a results-oriented problem-solving kinda guy. So my entire dating life, I’ve been trying to figure women-out, like some sort of puzzle. While I’ve approached beer from a totally different perspective.

I don’t go to the bar to learn the chemical make-up of beer, I go out to drink the stuff.

Instead of looking at women as a puzzle to be solved, I am much better served meeting new folks, enjoying their company and letting their complexities reveal themselves.

*K.I.S.S.- Keep it simple stupid.

So who’da thought? Beer can (no pun intended), teach me about women.

So in the interest of self-betterment, I think I need to crack another cold one…

I’ve got a lot more to learn.



*Shout-out to Mr. Collins, my HS science teacher who taught me the phrase.

Portland, oh Portland...

So here I am on the train. Headed to Portland.

Some would call it Seattle’s sister city…

I am not one of those people.

Sure, it rains a lot in Portland. And sure, it’s not unheard of to see Birkenstocks and socks or parkas and cargo shorts.

It, like Seattle, is a bastion of Blue in an otherwise Red state.

But outward appearances aside, there are some pretty big differences between the towns.

I haven’t quite put my finger on it, but something is just a bit off in the Rose City.

I was recently counting the few perks Portland has going for it with a buddy who now lives down there. (Listed in order of importance, #1 being the most important.)

1) Bars. Portland is a drinking man’s town. I love the place. My Portland buddy calls it Disneyland for adults, due to its multiple and plentiful watering holes. And for those who still kill themselves, Oregon is NOT smoke-free.

2) Wings. Fire on the Mountain. If you’ve never been to this seemingly hole-in-the-wall joint in No. Po., you are missing out. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 sauces and DEEP-FRIED TWINKIES. (I couldn’t finish the twinkie, though I really wanted to.)

3) Strip Clubs. Somewhere I heard that Portland has the most strip clubs per capita than any where else in the country. And Washingtonians, you can drink in them! I will say most are pretty seedy, but then again they are freaking Strip Clubs. What else would you expect them to be?! One other note, you can order food in them, which is one of the things I find to be a little off about the town. I must admit, I was intrigued by the phenomena on previous trips to Portland. And only recently crossed the streams. And I gotta admit, for something that sounds so good on paper, steak and titties just ain’t right. Maybe it’s just me, but if I want a cheeseburger I want a cheeseburger. I can’t be distracted by naked women prancing around. But on the flip side, if there are naked women prancing around, the cheeseburger can damn-hell-ass wait until later. It’s quite the conundrum.

4) No Tax. This was so cool when I was a youngster. I remember taking weekend trips to Portland to do school shopping or to buy my Sega Gamegear (yes, people bought those things…though it seems like I was the only one who did). It made for some fun trips, but once gas is factored in, not so much on the actual savings.

5) Public Transit. Portland does have a better transit and existing light rail/street car lines. Both of which I have used, find pretty simple and don’t break down. Seattle is way behind the 8-ball on that one.

So there, Portland does have some cool qualities to it.

Though you’d have to be in your mid-20’s or at least act like you are still in your mid-20’s (most Portlanders) to find these reasons valid.

“Portland is a land where people move to become jackasses,” a quote from my recent Portland-transplant buddy.

And I agree.

That is where my problem lies with Portland, a smugness/air of superiority that looms over the city like a big wet blanket. A staunch refusal to admit, that maybe, just maybe, Portland isn’t the best place on Earth.

The war? That’s G.W.’s fault. Portland knew better.

The environment? We watched Al Gore’s movie on TV's powered by wind, drive hybrids and ride bikes…We aren’t the problem.

Music? “Oh, you’ve heard of them? We saw them play here in Portland like three years ago.”

You get the idea.

It’s like all of the kids who wanted to be cool in high school, but couldn’t quite make it happen, somehow found each other and started a town. (I am willing to bet that the average Portlander hated high school for just that reason, “Everyone was so uncool.”)

There is a holier-than-thou aspect to the average Portlander that just grinds my gears. I could go on for awhile, but I figure you have work to do so I’ll cut it short.

However, if you like beer, enjoy naked ladies, want some tasty wings, hate paying taxes and were cooler than everyone else at your High School, (but they just didn’t know it) head on down to Portland.

Oh yeah, you better like PBR, black-rimmed glasses and Democrats as well…

Portland is pretty open-minded, as long as you agree with everyone else.