Some thoughts on Valentine's Day...

(This is a slightly edited repost from an article I originally wrote 02/12/02 for The Western Front)

Perpetually SWM, 5'10", 190 lbs.

Used to be athletic.

A little Chris Farley mixed with Bobby Hill.

Seeking a woman who won't laugh in my face in the first 30 seconds of conversation.

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, I thought I'd pimp myself out so I will not spend another Valentine's Day watching Star Wars with the roomies.

Nothing like a completely contrived holiday to spread depression over our fine land.

Believe me, I've had some memorable Valentine's Days...

One year I got ditched at dinner. Another was spent consoling (drinking with) a recently single roommate.

But one stands out in my mind.

A couple of friends and I had gotten together for a "love's losers" dinner.

We were about the only people, or so it seemed, who were single and without dates for Valentine's Day. We ended up at a fine pizzeria and ordered a couple pies.

After stimulating conversation, which included me noting how glass-like the plastic cups were and a discussion of how a woman's attire relates to sexual violence, the pizza finally arrived, thankfully.

Everyone was grateful to have something to put in their mouths and end the horrid conversation, when, for some reason, one of the women at the table chuckles to herself, begging the question, "What's so funny?"

"You know what guys?" Slight pause. "This is the one-year anniversary of me losing my virginity," she said.

A couple mouthfuls of food hit the table as we all looked up in amazement.

The statement was just one of those things that really doesn't need to be said, especially considering how well the evening had gone.

The virginity proclamation accentuated the fact that none of us were getting any that night - a fact that did little to raise already low spirits.

The night was capped off by watching WWF on TBS and greeting all of the couples as they returned from their decidedly-more-enjoyable evenings.

I've spent the last week talking to people about Valentine's Day and what they think about it.

Most of the comments weren't glowing reviews.

"I hate that holiday," and "It's just there to sell cards," are just a couple of the comments I heard repeatedly.

And to my surprise, it wasn't from males. Everyone knows we hate to HAVE to do something nice, like take the woman out to dinner. Doing something nice for your lady is more fun when she's not expecting it. Commercializing it and raising expectations just isn't fair. We all know that we're not Brad Pitt, Sean Connery or Dawson, from "Dawson's Creek."

But creating a day like Valentine's Day just makes it "Another trip out to dinner that I'm going to have to pay for, I hope she orders salad."

It makes spending time with a significant other a chore. But it was the women I talked to who stated an equal, if not greater, disdain for the holiday.

So my next question to the ladies was, "Why make it such a big deal?"

I mean, if women hate the holiday as much as guys do, why place so much emphasis on an equally acknowledged Hallmark holiday?

If a guy forgets Valentine's Day, he's in hot water.

Why not boycott the holiday and save your probably broke boyfriend a few duckets?

The most common answer I got was silence...damn corporate marketing machines.

See you fellas at Haggen in the floral section.

I'll be passing you on my way to the beer aisle.

"Temptation Island 2" is on.

Cubes, mazes, rats, people?

So work.

Apparently, that is what I do now. At least work of the 9-5 nature.

It’s an interesting phenomena to be back in the land of cubes.

I’ve come to realize that I am quite an individualist, who really enjoys the company of others, on my own terms.

Sitting in a cube next to a couple of mothers who decide to share their amazement at how much pooh and puke can come out of one child, is not company I enjoy.

Yet, sadly for me, such is my lot.

It’s kinda funny what the illusion of walls will do to people.

I can hear every conversation that goes on around me, so I assume the same can be said of my conversations for my cube-mates. Yet few seem to grasp the concept that some things should be said outside of the cube, in the friendly confines on anywhere but your cube.

Another example is folks who like to have very personal (and loud) arguments on their cell phones while at their desk.

Mesmerizing stuff, but hardly what I or about anyone else want to hear.

But thanks to miracle of efficient use of space, I get to share an only-slightly-more-than-imagined wall with the Upchuck Twins.

Have I ever been guilty of being inappropriate in my cube at the behest of my cube-mates…I am sure I have. However, I am at least aware of the fact that I don’t have my own office and should be respectful of those around me.

So should cubes be sterile, work-only bastions of efficiency? Not by a long-shot.

I figure the average person spends 8 hours a day at the office, that’s 1/3 of their day! I’d venture to guess that the average person spends more time at work than they do sleeping, so it’s important that you are comfortable there.

Make your cube your own. (As sad as that sounds.)

But as you do so, keep my Dad in mind. He’s the kinda guy who had naked lady calendars on the wall and half-gallons of whiskey on the shelf at home…But nothing of the sort in his office. After all, it WAS an office.

Work is something we have to do. So I advocate making it as comfortable as possible. But in doing so, just pay attention to what your cube is really saying about you and how your actions affect those around you.

Oh, and one more tidbit: Keep the pooh, puke and other talk to a minimum...

I and your cube-mates will thank you.

Update: One more hint...It's never OK to have fish for lunch. Sure it's healthy, but toss it in the microwave and the rest of the office will hate you for the rest of the day.